*Originally published 9/8/17*
I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of not sleeping. I'm tired of feeling nauseous. I'm tired of getting shaky. I'm tired of feeling weak. I’m tired of being in pain. I'm tired.
It's been over 5 years with the same thoughts. Five years. That's 1/4 of my life. I have been sick for 25% of my life and I will be sick for the rest of it. Wow. Luckily I've learned how to ~function~ with my disease, sort of. I know that when I start feeling shaky I need to rest. I know that when I start to feel nauseous I need to drink carbonation. I know that when I start to get paralyzed to plug in my phone so I can use "Hey Siri" when I need something. These little things are how I make it through most of my days. That and coffee, lots of coffee. I’ve been in a kind of limbo for a few months now not really knowing where to go. I started going to a chiropractor, which amazingly got rid of my headache. I also started getting acupuncture done which seems to be helping with pain as well. Yet, other than that everything has been the same. I get paralyzed a couple times a week. I shake every day, some more than others.
I don't sleep much and I'm nauseous 24/7. All this is kind of frightening as I'm starting my second year at Montgomery College and taking 3 classes this time. My first day went pretty well, but when I got home I was drained. I wrapped myself in my heated blanket and stayed there for a few hours which has been the common occurance on school days.
It's hard to not feel like a burden when you're chronically sick. It's hard when your parents have to miss work to take you to doctors. Or when you have to buy the more expensive food because your illness has made it difficult to eat certain things. It's hard when you have to cancel plans with friends because you're too sick. Lucky for me, I have the best support system in the world and they always make sure to remind me that it's not my fault. It's not my fault I got sick. It's not my fault I'm exhausted all the time. It’s not my fault that I'm too nauseous to eat breakfast. It's not my fault. I did not choose to have Lyme disease. If I could give it up I would. Sadly, I can't, so I've got to just keep on trekking.
More often lately I've been finding it hard to cope with my illness. As I come up on another school year seeing my friends away at school doing what I wanted to do, it gets hard. After 5 years it's still hard to miss out on stuff and unfortunately this is something I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. It's hard knowing that all my friends are starting their final 2 years of college while I have an unknown number to go. The plan I made for my life is in shambles, like a broken vase and no matter what I do it will never be the same. However, I can try putting the pieces back together as long as I realize that they may not fit just right, but it can still hold the flowers just as well in the end.
While everything else is difficult one thing has improved and that is my ability to exercise. I try and exercise every day. It makes me feel better not only physically but mentally as well. Knowing that I am able to exercise, something that I haven't been able to do in years, feels amazing. I also feel better when I'm with my nephew, so I have decided he has to be with me at all times in case I need an emergency snuggle.
We don't really know what to do next as far as treatment. I have an appointment with a Lyme neurologist in the beginning of October to see if he can help, but until then, I’ve just got to keep pushing on. I try not to get my hopes up for doctors as I have sadly been let down time and time again. Yet, I'm really hoping this guy can help so I can finally get on with my life. One day I won't be shaking, I won't be nauseous, I won't be in pain, and I'll find out why I was chosen to go on this Lymerific ride. One day.
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