For this episode I am joined by my soulmate/best friend of 21 years Payten. We walk through our varying high school experiences as a "normal" kid (Payten) and a "sick" kid (Me).
This episode covers:
Daily high school life
High school sports
Prom and other events
Implications of Lyme on not only Cass but Payten, as well
Make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook @igwspodcast for pictures and updates.
Transcript:
Cass: Welcome everybody to the It Goes Without Saying podcast It is me Your host Cassidy and welcome our very first co-host, the love of my life. my soulmate, the Rachel to my Monica, the Mary-Kate to my Ashley, my best friend for almost 21 years Payten Mae!
Payten: That's me.
C: Welcome.
P: Thank you!
C: This podcast is partially yours because you helped me create the name and pretty much everything else that I'm doing so welcome to your own podcast.
P: Shut up!
C: So Payten and I met when we were about two years old, we went to preschool together and we went from preschool to elementary school to middle school through high school together separate colleges but still together even though we have been apart for way too long because of the Rona and she lives in South Carolina now because she doesn't like me anymore. We've thought no better way to kick off our podcast about growing up then with the person that has literally grown up beside me for 21 out of the 23 years of my life.
P: I can't get rid of her.
C: She's tried. I just keep coming back to take that bit me I just hold on for dear life.So our plan here we'll see how it goes— haha you get it? It goes like it goes without saying. Our plan today is we are going to talk about what it is like growing up with a chronic illness and without a chronic illness. Let's see what happened here. So to begin, Payten, walk us through a Friday day slash night when you were a sophomore in high school. What was that like for you?
P: Hmm, let me think back that was a long time ago. Um, typically I would wake up at like 6am if I recall correctly, and get ready for school. If it was a game day we were uniforms. Side note, I was a cheerleader. I don't know that we mentioned that I was at school from literally before the sun rose to ike 2:30. When did we get out of school? 3 o'clock? Whenever we got out of school. Um, and then normally we would be like painting the banner that the football players ran through and then we would have practice after that. And sophomore year, I also cheered competitively so on a normal night I would finish high school practice and then leave and go straight to the All Star gym, do homework in the car, get there, be there for a few hours get home at like 10 o'clock, finish homework, shower, go to bed and wake up and do it all again. The next day.
C: Well for me. I would wake up at maybe, maybe like 10:30 and that was like a good day. I feel like like if I was awake before noon, it was like what's going on? Who are you? And I would wake up, my alarm would go off. I would literally rollover and I would probably grab the phone call my mom already in tears and say I'm not going into school today. And then I would just hang up and go right back to bed. But if I was having like a semi normal day, I would probably get up around like 10:30 already missed like my first few classes. I literally didn't go to Spanish class for like two whole quarters. Oh, well. I still passed I can't speak a lick of Spanish but I passed that's all that matters. Got those straight A's
P: right
C: And then so if I went to school, so I probably go into school, maybe third period. If I was lucky, I would be there. I'd walk in in my sweat pants and my sweatshirt with my big cup of hot peppermint tea because I was so nauseous that was the only thing I could drink it was hot peppermint tea. Most of the time probably I didn't even make it the rest of the day. I feel like I don't even know
P: Yeah, I feel like most of the time you were there max like a couple hours middle I think you rotated too.
C: Yeah, if I actually woke up at like seven and went in. I'd go for like one and two and then not the rest of the day. Yeah. And if I woke up I would go in for maybe like three through like I don't even know how many classes we had. That's because I didn't go to school ever.
P: Period.
C: Maybe it would make it through seven, but probably not. And I would probably get home. I would lay on the couch with my heating pad and I would watch The Ellen DeGeneres Show and probably just sit there watching Ellen, One Tree Hill and the Vampire Diaries all day for the rest of the day. And that was it for me
P: a little bit of a backstory for y'all that did not grow up with Cassidy and I we were attached at the hit. I mean like I called her house phone every single morning so we could coordinate outfits when we decided
C: Wait I was going to talk about this
P: no you were not! Oh my gosh! I didn't know if we were wearing jeans or leggings or skirts or dresses or what and every single day we coordinated I mean like literally what like third fourth fifth grade at least we coordinated
C: if my white cordless phone didn't start ringing, I would be concerned that you weren't going to school that day. And I'd be like, I'm not really sure what to do right?
P: So once Cassidy got sick, I was forced to like develop my own identity. With my clothes I couldn't be like I'm kind of tired Why don't we wear this today? I would like forced to make my own clothing decisions without consulting
C: I want you to know that I literally talked to my therapist about us making this podcast today and I said I'm gonna bring up clothes and she doesn't know because Payten always wear like jeans and stuff to high school and I straight up rolled out in my like messy pajamas most of the time.
P: Right? Like the onesthat we had to buy in Disney when it was like 20 degrees. October or whenever.
C: Yes, I pick out my clothes the night before. I'm not to pick out my clothes The morning of person because I am a planner. And like I had such great intentions in high school, like would pull out a jeans outfit. It'd be pretty cute. And then I also would pull out a sweat pants outfit because I don't know how I'm gonna feel there was literally like a jeans outfit that sat on the chair in my room for weeks at a time because I just never like it was like fully ironed ready to go. I just never put it on.
P: Always right there on the back of the desk chair.
C: I just never put it on. I was just like, oh, wake up look over sweatpants. Sweatpants are calling my name. Okay, so our days at high school were drastically different. To say the least. What were your top three priorities in high? For high school Peyton, what were the top three things that you were mainly focused on and do not say school because we all know that was a lie.
P: I was just about to say High School Payten did not care one bit about her grades or test scores. Payten was not concerned I was 100% I'm gonna get into college. I don't need to worry about this. Let me have fun while I can. I was concerned about sports, about my friends and about fun. Honestly, if I wasn't having fun, it was not worth it. I wanted all of the after parties, all of the Hangouts all the bonfires, I was down for all of it drastically different than your top priority. If I remember correctly.
C: My top priorities for high school were I can't really put them in like ranking order because I feel like they all kind of go together. But number one, well, I'm not not just that I'm number one. My top three priorities in no specific order. Were probably money. Do we have the money to pay for my treatment or my doctor's appointment that I'm going to have? Am I going to be well enough to wake up to go to school because Cassidy actually did care about school and grades. I've been cursed slash blessed with that for my entire life. And then my third priority was probably just like,
P: trying not to get paralyzed?
C: That didn't happen in high school that was college. We can do a whole nother episode on college. No, let's see my third proiroty. I probably didn't even have three priorities. My priorities are probably just survival to be honest.
P: Sleep.
C: Sleep Sleep. Yes. No. I would say my top three priorities were money and being well enough to go to school because school was a priority for me. And then literally just survival. Yep. survival. Like that's straight up. Am I going to survive the day because there were definitely days when I was like shit, right. This is the end for me. I am 15 years old. I am a virgin. And this is how it ends. <laughter> Yikes yeah, the fun. The fun didn't happen for me.
P: Really? Yeah. And not, cannot relate.
C: The fun for me was "Oh, there's a new episode of something." Maybe, Maybe stay up long enough to watch it. A new Nicholas Sparks movie probably. I got really excited when Endless Love came out. That movie was my life for a while
P: we watched that for a long time.
C: I still watch that. It's pretty good for me.
P: You Like that soundtrack to.
C: Yeah, I do. Pumping blood. That's my workout song. Yeah. But yeah. And like so fun. Payten said like after party. So football is very big in our town. And Payten being a cheerleader, obviously was at the football games. football was big with my family. So I would always like all growing up, always go to the football games and everything. So Friday nights were when football games were and I can remember like if I didn't go to school Friday, I would still sometimes be able to go to the game because like with Lyme, I always say –I'm a big Fast and Furious fan. So lDominic always says you've got to live life quarter mile at a time—And mine was like "you live life like five minutes at a time" because one minute, I'll feel like shit. And then the next minute I'm like, whew, so it's just like, wow, like whiplash. So some days like I wouldn't go to school Friday, but I would like still be able to go to the football game because I would feel okay. But I remember that I always sat with the adults. So at our high school, there was a student section. So Payten would be down on the track cheering. And then in the far right hand corner, there was a student section where all the kids sat—the freshmen were at the top sophomores, juniors, and then seniors were in the front. And they stood the entire game. And I physically could not stand up for that long because of my arthritis in my knees, and the pain throughout my whole entire body and the weakness and everything. So I had to sit with my mom and all the adults. So it was all just like me, this one random teenager and all these adults during these football games, if I went to them, and a lot of times I couldn't go to them either, because I was so sick in bed, like asleep, and the noise was too loud. The lights were too bright. The cowbells like those were way too much. Payten went to a zillion football games in high school. I went to the football game possible. I went to a handful.Until senior year, senior year I was good. Senior year was definitely my best year of high school. What was your best year of high school?
P: I think senior year yeah, I think we both like in terms of high school years peaked senior year, you know? No more braces. You were kind of alive.
C: I was I was alive for the first little bit of it. And then I got the picc line and became even more alive.
P: Yes,
C: Yes. But so senior year was when I actually was able to participate in high school. I feel like the first three years of high school I was kind of just a zombie. Like, I couldn't remember one day, junior year, I had been out sick for like three or four days, like literally did not come in at all. And I remember walking down the hallway one day after lunch and someone turned around and looked at me. They did a double take and he said, Oh my god, you're here. You're like alive. And I was like,
P: that's me.
C: Yes. I think I think so. Right? I think I may not be. Is this real? . And then one thing that I was actually able to participate in finally senior year was homecoming week but you did homecoming week stuff all throughout high school.
P: I did. I loved homecoming week. I love I was big with like school spirit, obviously, as a cheerleader. Like, I feel like you can't do that and not have a little bit of school spirit. But I loved dressing up and wearing tutus and putting glitter on my face and just being extra as a whole week and it was probably like one of my highlights in high school is homecoming week all four years, especially senior year senior year, homecoming week was just absurd.
C: That's because I was there. Finally.
P: True. We had matching juggle dresses that my grandma shout out to you—Ammy–made for us.
C: Yeah, freshman year. I don't think I was able to participate in homecoming week because of volleyball like we just had too much going on in volleyball and then sophomore and junior year I literally was not in school. Like I just was not there. I didn't go to homecoming those years I actually like didn't have fun freshman year homecoming but then sophomore and junior year I was just way too sick that that was just not even anything like I once again did not get out of sweatpants so there was no way in hell I was putting on a dress or heels or make up.
P: Yeah, there are pictures outside Cassidy's House of me and my dress and her and I think I wear jeans.
C: I think I wore jeans for the picture.
P: Jeans for one and I think the yoga pants maybe.
C: Yeah, I took one for the team and wore jeans for those pictures. But that's it regardless.
P: That's one like phenomenal thing about Cassidy regardless of how shitty she felt she always stepped out her front door to take pictures with me when I asked. <laughter>
C: very very true.
P: or she Let me come sit on her lap while she was like doing some type of treatment in her living room. We have pictures of every major thing from when we were younger even if Cassidy looks half dead. We still have a picture.
C: and I do like half dead in many of them. I still am half dead tpday. So senior year, I was actually able to do stuff because once again that's when I was like feeling okay, I was like heading up sometimes the students section at the football games. Yeah, painting my stomach painting my face screaming my little ass off at those football games did not have a voice on Saturdays and I did not care. I was living it up. homecoming week. I helped with the hallway. I set up the music or the whole entire day. I had so much fun. I actually we like I had to be at school at like 6am that day and I woke up and I was there. I don't think I made it the whole day.
P: And the night before you were there late too.
C: Yeah, the night before I was there late too. Actually, I remember that day was huge when I actually woke up and called my mom and told her I was going to school that early and she was like oh my god, you're like actually awake.
P: Yeah, we went normal time and we took pictures because that was the jungle day. Yes When you like walk through the jungle hallway and we took pictures and I think that's one of like, honestly the first pictures we have from high school where you look happy and healthy and like you could genuinely like, enjoy yourself.
C: it's wild. Cassidy was 100% sophomore year was just a big dark, deep depressive hole. And that's like my sophomore year—we will go this way. What do you think about when you think of your sophomore year of high school? Give me like two words.
P: put me on the spot why don't ya. that was my first year on varsity. So it was just like, I was ecstatic, honestly, to have that experience. And I was just like, I was happy. I was always a happy kid.
C: Mine was body pillow, Fred.
P: Yeah, i remember.
C: Spohomore year of high school. It was when I laid on my left side, crying into my body pillow fed, or watching Nicholas Sparks movies. Like that's all that's literally the only memories I have iof my sophomore year of high school. Yeah, junior year, give me your two words. I
P: was stressed junior year, I'm not gonna lie. That's when I realized I shouldn't have been effing around with my grades when I was like, I'm not gonna get into where I want to go to college. So Junior was a little more stressful for me. But at the same time, I was still in the mindset of like, I'm only in high school once I like I love my team. I love my friends. I'm gonna live it up. I'll watch a movie with Cassidy this night. And then I'm going to go to a party the next night, like all about balancing between you and my friends that were actually alive.
C: Yeah, it would be like if you probably were like. I don't know cuz I wasn't in your mind. Like sometimes I think I could be in your mind. But I was not if you were like, "Oh, I need to rest this day. I'll hang out with Cassidy that night because I know all we're going to do is watch movies" because like I literally didn't do anything else.
P: Especially like in the fall when we would have games super late on Fridays, and we didn't leave the high school until 10 something and then we went to football after parties and bonfires and I wasn't home until whatever hour of the night I was like okay, I'm not going to go out Saturday night. I'm going to go hang out with Cassidy because I know she's gonna make me popcorn. Or I'm gonna make myself popcorn because at that point, you weren't able to do it and I'm gonna eat popcorn and we're just gonna lay in her bed on Fred and watch Endless Love.
C: Endless love probably some Barbie movies and Disney movies were definitely High School Musical probably has good musical 2 High School Musical three 100% probably crying there was one time like summer between junior and senior year me and Payten just laid in my bed and watch movies go through and cried. Yeah, that was a good time. reality sunk in right there.
P: that was when Cassidy was healthy enough for me to realize like we were actually going to be separated for college.
C: my junior year. I think junior year was when I kind of felt like I was getting a little bit of a better handle on it. Because junior year was the first time that I had an actual abbreviated schedule. So sophomore year I did not have an official abbreviated schedule. I literally just skipped my first two classes every day because I couldn't wake up and junior year started with I did not have the first two classes I would go in my first class was third period right? I still barely made it to third period, but it was just journalism class. So it didn't really count that much.
P: And junior year was more unpredictable for you. like sophomore year everyday I was pretty much in the state of like Cassidy's alive, but she's dead. Like, yeah, there was not a question in my mind. We were gonna have a day where I didn't feel like you weren't a shell of my best friend. And I think junior year started to get a little more like, Oh my god, there's a glimpse at fourth grade Cassidy like where did that come from.
C: and then junior year was also the first time that me and Payten ever had a class together.
P: Really?
C: chemistry class. We literally so we've been best friends for 21 years and we had third grade Mrs. Dennis's class together and other than that we did not have a single class together.
P: Second grade Ms. Vinson because she left her classroom.
C: We had second grade Miss Vinson third grade Miss Dennis and other than that we never had another class together until junior year of high school when we had chemistry together. Yeah, wild and so that year that was when Payten had a concussion from
P: I had two concussions that you concussions from cheerleading
C: so our teacher literally thought we were playing a game with him because everyone knew it was like a package deal if people knew Cassidy and Payten were friends and like best friends, but it was weird because they had never actually seen us together because we weren't we didn't socialize.
P: Cass was always gone so she was never there for me to have lunch with she was hardly ever at sporting events. I was always out with my other friends.
C: Yeah, like our actual friend groups. Were not we didn't have the same friend group we were literally just friends with each other so we didn't actually like hang out in school it was always just like outside of school we hung out
P: right which can be done. We're proof. You can have friends beside your best friend and still be best friends
C: but we would hang out in our chemistry class and literally just always be together but so like it was like Monday Cassidy wouldn't be there because she was sick and Payten would be there and then Tuesday Cassidy would be there and Payten wouldn't be there what cuz she was sick and we were like, oh, it wasn't planned. Like we would literally alternate
P: Right? It was like I feel really shitty today. So hopefully the other one shows up and it was always just it always worked out where one one of us wasn't there. The other one was. And then once in a blue moon, we'd be there together and everybody be like, Oh my god,
C: what's happening? The world is upside down.
P: Like, Are y'all like messing with me What is happening?
C: Yes. He actually almost so junior year was the year we both turned 16 we have late birthdays. We were late bloomers, sweet 16 junior year. And for Payten's 16th birthday, her parents took us to Disney World, because for both of our birthdays, whoops, shout out to John and Barb. And I remember our teacher had to sign a paper because we were both going to miss class. And he was like, What? Right? The two of you that have been sick are trying to go on vacation? For me at least like that was just like you had a concussion. So only like those few months that you kind of had those issues. But I remember for me, that was like the first time that a teacher had questioned or like called out kind of my illness. And I remember, I was actually like really butthurt about it. And I think my mom was mad too cuz I was like, kind of like a fuck you.
P: Right!
C: I deserve to have a little bit of a life too.
P: I was pissed not for me for you. I went home and I was like, I did the concussion to myself. Cassidy didn't go pick up a tick off the side of the road and make it bite her ass like this. This didn't just like this happened to her. This isn't her fault. Like he has no right. And not only did he say something, but he said something in front of other students too. It was like Yeah, like it was in front of the entire class too. Yeah, it was like y'all have the audacity.
C: Yeah, he was like, oh, but you're too sick to come to school, but you can go to Disney World, right? And I remember I was like, actually kind of taken aback by it too. So I was like,
P: I wasn't expecting it.
C: Yes, I was like, , I'm gonna be sick in Disney World. I used to remember I used to cry to my mom all the time. And I would be like, I just want to go somewhere I just want to go somewhere else I said I would rather feel like shit somewhere else somewhere pretty than stay here and this shitty little town and feel shitty and the shitty little town. Take me anywhere else and I'll feel crappy there. As long as I'm looking at something different. I was shocked that I was able to go and I remember I remember going to my doctor beforehand and this is when I went to the doctor in Reston too and like having like a talk with her to like try to have a plan because I was terrified of going so I was like I don't want to feel terrible. I want to actually be there I'm going to be states away from my mom if something goes wrong like I need to know what's going to happen and stuff
P: right? Shout out my mom she put in extra work.
C: If you don't do Disney the Barbara way you're not doing Disney the right way. But I remember so one I was already gluten free. At this time. I was only gluten free at this time. I was not
P: sugar free too?
C: I think I was supposed to be sugar free. But we said we weren't going to be sugar free. I was a little bit of a we're gonna take a break on the sugar and dairy free this week. But we're going to be gluten free
P: and we're going to be cautious about it like we didn't go into overdrive.
C: I will say the only time I have ever cheated on my gluten free diet in eight years was in China in Epcot. Because I didn't realize that General Tso's chicken was breaded. I just thought it was chicken. And I called my mom and I was like, I had really delicious General Tso's
P: and it was like legit Chinese food. It was not American Chinese food.
C: It was so good.
P: Cassidy's mom was Like, Cassidy, what the hell
C: in my defense you didn't know either.
P: I'm not claiming I did. <Laughter>
C: But Payten's family they're my family like I call them mom and dad and everything like they're my family too. And her mom had called to find out about if they would have gluten free options, and Disney World shout out to Disney hashtag sponsor us is the best place to go if you have food allergies, right. And I think it's because like you think about it like most Make a wish like a lot of them decide to go to Disney. So obviously Sick Kids, you're going to have food restrictions. And it's just like kind to consider people that can't eat the shit that norma; people eat.
P: Right? I think our first breakfast was Ohana's and the waitress was like I think I saw on your guys's like little notch that you have someone with a gluten intolerance like is it just a sensitivity or is she allergic we explained Cassidy;s situation she was like Okay, hold on one second. And she disappeared like without taking any more drink orders. She just like walked away and the next thing we know the head chef for the restaurant came out and was like I can make you anything you want. Do you want the entire platter gluten free? Like I'll do it whatever you want and Cassidy was like are you kidding me?
C: Like literally was like the first time and I had been gluten free I think a year or over a year at that point. And that was like the first time like cause I just dread still to this day. Well, I don't go and eat anywhere anymore. But I dread going to restaurants and having to like find out like if they have gluten free what I could find like Normally I'm like crap, I'm just gonna have to eat like salad or something like that. Like there's nothing else for me to be able to eat here.
P: That's like way more common now shout out to the world for being a little bit more gluten free friendly. But this was back in like 2014 so this was when this like gluten free was just becoming more popular. Like I hadn't heard of it before Cassidy decided to do it.
C: And I think that week two, I actually felt good. And it was probably because I was running on adrenaline. I do remember at nighttime though, I would always be struggling. I mean, we even have that picture of me with my neck wrap on like every night. Cassidy in high school And pretty much college like I still do it. It was like, wrapped in a heated blanket with a heating pad on my like a heated blanket on my back, a heating pad on my stomach and a hot neck wrap around my neck because I was just in so much body pain all the time. Now. It's just normally the heating pad on my stomach at all times. And so like we have pictures like the hotel room, we had to make sure it had a microwave because I had to heat up my neck wrap. So like laying in bed with the heating pad on my back every night, we got back to the suite, and I'd have the neck wrap on my neck. And me and Payten would like walk around the hotel with like the neck wrap on my neck, because I was just like, I just needed it around me.
P: That trip was big, like, that was my sweet 16. So we took my entire family. There was what like 19, 20 of us and we had old people on the trip too. So my mom had rented scooters specifically for the grandmas and they were all like, Oh, we don't need it. Cassidy can use it. So when Cassidy was feeling shitty.She just hopped right on the screen. We just rode off into the sunset.
C: We did. It was great time. And I remember when you guys came to pick me up though, or I think my mom dropped me off at your house and your dad was like, Oh shit, like he didn't say it but his eyes got big. We were driving from Maryland to Florida and I had two duffel bags, because one was my clothes. And the other one was literally entirely filled with my medicines and my heating pads.
P: You remember his face when he shook it? He shook it rattled I mean, rattled all of the different like lotions and patches and medicines because cast, he has this big fancy box, basically. And it's got what four
C: four by seven Yeah,
P: 4 a day. So it's it's this big.
C: . And I think that was when I had my two I had two of the four boxes.
P: Yeah, yeah. And that's only like a week's worth of pills.
C: I still have them right here actually next week. That's cool night I have to fill my pills today. today.
P: You were taking what what was it like? 60 something it was,
C: I think at that point was when I was hitting the 60 a day. And then I also that was at the time when I was taking my Mepron which we will talk about on another podcast. But if you've ever taken Mepron I apologize for your insides because they I can taste it right now. My mouth.
P: Was that the yellow stuff?
C: Yeah, so the yellow stuff shout out let's we'll get to that topic in a minute. Because I used to, I used to show up to school with yellow on me. And then I think I was also doing liquid glutathione n at the time. And then I think there was the other weird liquid thing that I was drinking at that time too. So I used to remember I had to fill it up in the bathroom sink in our hotel room was Nemo. Yes, it was like something else I had to fill up too. But yeah, so I was like all of this stuff. And I also that was at one point when I think that was when I was kind of starting not to eat very much as well. Yeah, and I just I remember I would every day I got a venti double chocolate chip frappuccino. And that was like one thing that I had like everyday to like fill me up for a while because I like could had a hard time out eat like the Mickey waffles and a venti. And that was pretty much it. Yeah, but I would say Disney highlight Disney highlight of fall of junior year, because then in spring of junior year was when we got to go on my birthday trip. So our birthdays are only a month apart. So we did Payten's around our birthday. And then we did mine in the spring, we could do something fun. And my birthday trip was I wanted to go to Boston, and I really wanted to go to Salem. And so we did it. And it was a blast. But I remember that when we got back from the Boston trip, I also got like kind of more into a depression as well. Because that was when I think I kind of realized like, I'm not going to be able to like live the life that I kind of want. Because I remember I loved it there like I absolutely like I did not want to leave like that was my happy place. I Love New England still do would love to live in New England.
P: You always talked about like wanting to live there for a long time.
C: I do I still do. I remember that was like when it was starting to get to college time. And I was looking at like schools there. And I remember I was like I could get in here because of my grades. But I would never be able to go because one the money because we had no money because we were paying 1000s and 1000s and 1000s of dollars for my medicines and my doctor's appointments. And then two, I could not be that far away from my doctors and from my caregivers who were my parents and my family. Like I like I wanted to go. So I remember, I wanted to go to Salem. There's literally a college in Salem, Massachusetts, and I wanted to go there and I was like, Nope, that's never going to happen for me.
P: And the saddest part is like genuinely you would have been so freaking happy.
C: So happy there. Yep,
P: I could see you there like that. That is 100% a place where Cassidy belongs. And I think it's super hard for us to come to terms with the fact that like there are things that she just can't do. And it's not that she's not strong enough to do them. It's that like, she just wasn't healthy enough at the time.
C: Nope. And there are things that I think like from that have carried over like I don't think I will ever be able to live by myself. I would do totally fine. Like I am an independent
P: she can cook she can clean, the perfect housewife somebody hit her up.
C: but I could definitely do it but I can't do it. Because what if I lived alone and got paralyzed? Right? Like I like I literally, I don't think it would ever be able to happen for me because of like those what ifs, I don't think that could happen. And that's like, so I remember like for college, I literally did not apply anywhere. But Salisbury because I knew it was only two and a half hours away from home. My brother was there to take care of me. Like I knew it was okay to go there because I would have people there. And my parents would be able to come and get me. So like I that was literally the only school that I even thought to apply to, and you did not you applied to several schools. And you ended up going to a school three states away.
P: I did I so my mom is a resource counselor at one of our local high schools. And she started talking about college with my sister and I, when we were young as anything like my parents prioritize college, Bailey and I, my sister knew that it was an expectation. So my sophomore summer, my mom and dad blocked out a couple of weeks, and I picked a bunch of schools that I was interested in. And they took us on this long college road trip. And I remember this specific moment in the car where we had toured a bunch of different schools literally all down the east coast. I knew I wanted to come south. I like the hot weather where Cassidy likes the cold. And I just knew like I was meant to be somewhere down here. When we left South Carolina where I ended up choosing to attend. I literally looked at my parents and I was like, I know for a fact like, I don't need to tour anywhere else. This is where I'm supposed to be like I have a gut feeling. I'm supposed to be here. And we got in the car. And I looked at Bailey and she was like why you look sad. Like you literally just told us like, this is where you want to go to school to have your program like we've toured you love it. Like why? Why do you seem sad? And I was like, because I know like, Cassidy can't have this. And it's just like, it was hard to come to terms with that. A. I was going to be so far away from everyone. Like I came home, I moved away from friends family, I knew nobody down here I had nobody, right. Like that was part of my thing was I felt like I had to push myself out of my comfort zone to really like reach my full potential.
C: She did by the way.
PL I did. I have I think we're getting there. But I felt like I had to get away like I would have gone home to spend time with you and my parents, if I hadn't have forced myself to come down here. Like there's no way I would have forced myself to grow up if I didn't completely move away.
C: I think it's funny because you had to force yourself to grow up by moving away. And I was forced to grow up
P: by coming home?
C: No, by literally just like living like I was, I was forced to grow up when I was thrown into the world that is chronic Lyme disease and people not believing you have an illness and doctors not taking insurance, at the age of 14. Yeah. And I think that's so funny too, because like I can remember so vividly around prom time. So in our high school you have we had a junior prom and a senior prom. And I can remember I can't remember if it was Junior prom, or senior prom, they kind of mush together in my head. But I remember that someone's created a Facebook group because they wanted girls to post their dresses in it because they didn't want girls to wear the same dress. Yeah, and I remember looking at this, I think it was junior year. And at the time, one of my very good Lyme friends was literally in the hospital about to be put on life support because she was about to die. She did not die. Luckily, thank God. She's okay now. But like that is how serious her Lyme was. And I remember just sitting there, and I was just like, Are you fucking kidding me? Like, these girls are sitting here concerned about the petty bullshit of somebody wearing the same fucking dress as them? Why do you care if someone spent their own money to buy the same dress as you? you did not create this dress. So you do not have like, you do not get to have control of this dress when there are literally people who are dying. Yeah, like, why is that something? And I remember I like said that to my mom. And I was livid. She wouldn't let me I wanted to write a blog about it. She wouldn't let me she was like, You can't talk like that about people. I'm like, Oh, no, I can.
P: Cass hardly had energy for anything. But when she FaceTime me that night popping off about this dress debacle on Facebook. I was like, What are you on? Where did this burst of energy come from? And how are you so fired up?
C: When something matters It fuels me sometimes. But no, I just and I still don't get it. Like I just and that was something a lot of people always say you're so mature for your age, which I am for some things but like that stuff
P: just caring about the right thing.
C: Yeah, it just it literally just blew my mind. Like, I can remember some people in high school counting their calories. And I was like, first of all, we are in high school. That's not something that you should be doing right now. I would love to be able to sit and eat food, but I can't. And like they're like right I had friends who literally were on feeding tubes because they were so sick with their Lyme and they could not eat like At one point, I was terrified that I was going to have to be put on a feeding tube like and I was just like I can't like there are so many bigger things and having a little bit of a roll when you're wearing a bathing suit at the age of 15.
P: Right! I think there's like a lot of outside pressure when you're that age that like now that I'm grown, I'm like, I can't believe I cared so much about something so small when we were that old. But when you live in a town, like what we grew up in, it feels like the center of the universe. And I'm sure it's like that for almost everywhere when you're in high school. But if you're a normal kid like and not in Cassidy shoes, where you're forced to grow up and have these real life realizations at 14, those do seem like real world problems, unless your parents sit you down and they're like, Yo, this does not matter. Like I get it's important to you, but we need a hard kick in the ass reality check of like, what is actually important.
C: And I think it's so funny that like I missed out on so much from high school bonfires, and after parties, right and homecoming, weeks and homecomings and sports, we didn't talk about sports, but sports and like all these things, but I also I feel like was able to see more clearly right the cruelty kind of in like the reality the reality of the world before so many other people. And I feel like that definitely helped me kind of stay grounded and maybe like, not feel like I definitely felt like at times, like definitely was like crying in my room because I was missing out on stuff. But like also , right, I'm I know what this
P: and I also think it forced you to like realize your self worth a lot earlier than a lot of young girls do. And it also kind of I don't know how to necessarily put it but like, you did not give a single shit about what anybody thought like ever, ever you didn't care how you looked. You didn't care what like what people thought you had not a care in the world when it came to your appearance or the way others perceived you. Because as long as you were happy with yourself, and your family was happy with how you were doing and you always had me so I'm assuming that was a big part.
C: I would say that a big thing was like for me, it was literally once again like survival, right. And if I felt well enough to get out of my bed, I did not give a shit what was what I was wearing,. I was going to go to school because I felt well enough to actually be kind of a human that day. And because of that, like I never really I feel like cared about what I wore anything like that. Like if you do recall, in sixth grade in elementary school, I started the trend of wearing knee high and different different knee high socks, because that was when I had my weird funky leg thing. And I had to wear something to cover it and I were funky knee covered on knee high socks. You started wearing them with me because you were supportive. Thank you. And then I would come to gym class and other people were wearing weird new color socks or knee high socks. Like I never cared and do they start? What fashion trends with you? Yeah, that was me. One thing we did not discuss is your high school hobbies. What were your high school hobbies?
P: Um,
C: I'll answer for you. And then you can answer mine.
P: Okay,
C: your high school hobbies were cheerleading, fake tanning.
P: I went through a small phase when I first started competitive.
C: You did get your small phase of tanning because I had to sit there and hel[ you would pick dried fake tan out of your belly button one day.
P: That's true. That was that was like sophomore year when I first started competitive and I looked like a ghost yes, I can agree to that one first for small phase,
C: and McDonald's sweet teas.
P: That's true, Sweet Teas.
C: Those are your high school hobbies.
P: You could add boys to that too.
C: Oh, boys, boys. Yes. The boys. What were mine.
P: Sleeping?
C: Yes. Um, we need to elaborate on the sleeping. So throughout my high school, it would straight up be like, I would probably sleep for like, 18 hours.
P: Some days. I could talk to Cassidy at like, 8pm and she'd be going to bed and I try to call her after school the next day. No answer. And then she'd finally call me back after dinner. And be like, sorry, I was in bed.
C: Yeah, the worst thing though, was like I would be just tired all the time. Still to this day, but in high school was when I had the really bad painsomnia, so I would like get in bed at like 8pm and then I would not actually fall asleep until like 3am right and then I would sleep all day
P: all day with those damn pain patches that smelled like vicks
.C: Pain patches lidocaine RIP if you ever had to put the lidocaine patches on the real one What else did I have any other hobbies besides sleeping?
P: What about your mom's pancakes? Those were like a staple growing up and I think in high school and she like learned how to make them gluten free.
C: I like how We said hobbies and we went to food <laughter> No, my if we're going with high school foods, my high school foods were Gluten Free French baguettes and I would just like straight up eat a French baguette and that would be my breakfast and then I'd have the other half for lunch. Oh, yeah. So good with some butter and garlic. Yes, no, but I would say my other hobbies besides sleeping in high school, were watching things and reading.
P: Reading for sure.
C: reading is still hobby that was like when I got hooked into reading but interesting that Payten adds boys to her hobbies because boys were not a thing. I mean, I like thought about boys, but like the actual idea of pursuing a boy just really was just like, exhausting to think about for me. I was already in way too many relationships with fictional characters. It was just like, how would I
P: I took up all of Cassidy's time.
C: That's true. It was Peyton and fictional men,
P: high school relationships, man, you don't have to love them, you do not have to love them.
C: But I feel like is a big part of like
P: growing up and like realizing who you are.
C: So when you're a little person growing up, and you think about high school, you think of like the staple things of homecoming and prom, right? And in our town football and sporting events and stuff. And you think of like high school sweethearts and relationships, right. And it was so weird for me to have a high school relationship, because I did not have any of the other things. Right, even weirder part was, my high school boyfriend was part of all of the things that I was missing out on. So it was kind of like I got to experience all of those things from him. But then in the same breath, I was still missing out on all of them too. So it's like a whole weird identity thing I feel like as well. And then also like when you are chronically sick, and like you don't have the energy for things so I felt like it also was like do you give the energy to the relationship at the time do you give it to your friend Do you give it to the school What do you have to do because as we say with like the chronic illness spoony world, you're only given a certain amount of spoons a day and you have to determine what things you're going to waste your spoons on for energy into like, that was a weird dynamic to right.
P: And honestly, I think it was kind of hard because that was the first like real relationship either of us had ever been in so kind of like having our friendship adjust to a third person and I feel like it wasn't even just us and one other person. I feel like it was us another person and then we can even count the Lyme as another person.
C: because that's like I say like, besides you, the longest relationship I have ever been in is with my Lyme disease because it literally is like a full time it's a full time job first of all right but it's like a freakin relationship too with all the ups and downs, Lord *gasps*
P: relationship emotional turmoil.
C: Yeah, it's just crazy. When you think about all of these things.
P: that Ex that won't disappear.
C: Damn. Lyme and me man. facts Lyme disease the ex that will not leave youl alone. No, just get off my back. Right? Why are you so obsessed ,with me?
P: Ew, David! <Laughter>
C: How would you describe me? pre sophomore year of high school
P: like pre Lyme downfall?
C: Pre-lyme downfall. two words. You have two words.
P: Maybe you're energetic. Okay, for sure. Yes, I'm maybe not the most athletic but tried to be
C: I was way more athletic than you
P: when you count like softball because I got hit in the head the first game and was not feeling it. You were really good at softball, which sucks because you had to give that up. Yeah. But I think you like genuinely enjoyed sports and stuff like that before you got sick.
C: I loved it.
P: and carefree. 100%
C: That's a good one. Wow, what does care free feel like? I haven't known her in a while. years it likes Wow. That's okay. We're gonna touch on each of them at the top of the list. That is okay. So go with energetic. Yes, I used to like my family used to call me like the Energizer Bunny because it was literally just like I would just be like bouncing off walls. And just like I as you can probably know, like, I talk a mile a minute
P: and talk with your mouth closed, hidden talent.
C: just literally would never shut up. Like when as a kid my dad would literally send me to the steps at dinnertime because I wouldn't shut up and he just like wanted to eat dinner and peace. And I would walk over to the steps still talking. I would sit on the steps and continue to talk and then
P: that's why we got along so well. I was super shy because I only grew up around adults and my sister until I met Cassidy and Cassidy never shut up. And I was like that's the one
C: oh darlin. Don't you ever Shut up, don't you? That was me. And then the sports thing. Yes, sports were like a huge, huge thing for me pre Lyme. Like I, we we played basketball and softball, I think all the way from when we were like four or five. We play basketball through
P: Up until high school but you Istopped at like six or seventh grade
C: because then I just went straight to softball. And I did softball, I played softball through softball was the last sport I ever played. I played that through the beginning of May 2012. And then literally, like a week after softball, and it was when my first Lyme symptoms started, right. And that was like, yeah, that was like, the biggest thing for me to like, to lose that part of me because I was, I don't know who you are, who I am. Without my sports. I loved it. I was good at it. I loved being part of a team.
P: And I think it also really, like helped you bond with your dad. Yeah, it was really nice shared experience for you guys.
C: That was our thing. Yeah.
P: Because our dads both coached our teams. And that was
C: Yeah, so that was like a weird thing when that first came around sophomore year, and I couldn't do it again. That was like the first year that I could remember. Right. And I was so weird, because I had already felt like I had lost a lot of myself already. And that was when I was like, Oh, it's just not gonna really come back to me. I think still. And I think that that's even like carried over to like today times, like, I will probably never play softball again. And it's not like I probably physically could at some point, but I think mentally I don't think I could handle it. Right. So I think that it's just like such like a
P: it's like a trigger.
C: Yeah, it is. It's a big trigger for me to not be able to deal with that. And then the carefree. So Yikes. That's a big one. Yeah, like literally can just literally didn't care about anything. Like when like still didn't really care about like what I was wearing. didn't really care what I was doing. I would do like some crazy shit like we would climb up onto Payten's roof of her house.
P: We did do that. And then mom and dad found out they were ready to beat our asses.
C: I used to climb the tree in your backyard all the time too
P: pretty high pretty high.Yeah, we used to jump from barstools onto the polls in your basement. We did. It was a fun night. Yes.
C: Just like crazy stuff. I used to run through the woods, which is shocker I got Lyme disease. I used to run through the woods, in like thunderstorms. Throw neighborhood sometimes. And like I don't know why. But we did. Oh, whoo. I remember now. We were trying to be Twilight. It was like thunder. And we were like, oh, we're the Cullens we're gonna go play baseball. Yeah, I was that kid. But just like yeah, weird things, but I literally didn't care about anything. And
P: We would sit with our friends at recess and make us pretend like we were on American Idol.
C: Yes, we would do that I would sing out while I still do sing and dance. That was like another big thing. I used to dance a lot. Not like I was a dancer. But like, just for fun. Like my family. My family always had parties and things.
P: the way to describe it is like literally like a wiggle worm.
C: My dancing.?
P: there's like no real like, no rhythm or technique to it. It's just like her body just she just lets the music flow through her.
C: I try and that's all that matters.
P: She dances, how she dances and you just got to accept it.
C: But that's like another thing like I can remember senior year at homecoming, because I went to homecoming that year, for like, maybe 20 minutes, and I was in so much pain. And like Same thing with like, what did you do after prom one year?
P: I went home to change for an after party and fell asleep and woke up at 4am and was lucky and I must say here. The other year I did after prom for a little while and then I went to a party.
C: So after both Proms, I got back to my house, had the people with me take out my hair because I was too tired to reach my hands back and there was too many bobby pins to take out my hair. I was too tired to shower. So I think that they probably wiped my face down for me because I did not want to fall asleep with makeup on. I definitely had to be put into my pajamas. I do recall this that the boyfriend had to put me in my pajamas. And then I got into bed and slept and I slept the entire rest of the weekend. Like I went to the prom for however long prom was what like two hours? Maybe that was it for me for the entire weekend. Like that was the one thing I could do. I did it. I had a great time at prom. It was both both times a lot of fun. But that was it. And that was done for the whole weekend. Yeah, it's just crazy. High School different for everybody.
P: Right? High School growing up a bitch.
C: Growing up is a bitch. I don't know. Okay, so now you Okay, so you gave me three words to describe me before pre-Lyme. Three words to describe me high school with Lyme. It doesn't have to be three because there's probably only like one.
P: depressed.
C: ding ding ding
C: tired. A little grouchy at times understandably so.
C: Lyme green monster. Lyme Green Monster was in high school. So I had my periods are super, super awful. In high school, and the junior year they got really, really bad. And I would also have horrible mood swings, but like not like like normal teenage girl mood swings. No, these were like it was basically.Yes. Like, I would just like randomly. It's like cuss people out. It was kind of like I had Tourette's. Like, I would just like random. Like, I remember being in the car with my sister one time and I was like, You're such a "fucking bitch" for like no reason just like screamed at her. And then like, I used to throw shit. Like I would throw the remotes. One time I threw a pen at somebody when we were like doing a craft at home. Like I just like remember these like little things. And so I would call it the Lyme green monster and like Payten and like my family knew, like, if I woke up some days, I would literally text them and be like, the Lyme green monster is here today. Watch out because I just like I had, it actually like terrified me because I had no control over my emotions. It's a Lyme symptom I learned. It comes from one of the CO infections. I'm pretty sure it's bartonella. But so that is when I had to be put on birth control for the first time too. And like that, tampered it down. But yeah, but I was definitely but also like kind of had a right to be grouchy because everything that I thought was going to happen for my life.
P: For all three of those words.
C: Yes. And the tired. Life is just tiring. And then the depressed. Yeah, that was like, I feel like it was like, you know, those lights when they're on you can dim them and I feel like Pre-Lyme Cassidy's light was like, all the way up at the brightest. Yeah. And then like sophomore year, it was like, pretty much off.
P: Yeah, you had no light to give to other people.
C: And then it was. Oh wait, did you say I gave light to other people?
P: Yeah, I said you no longer had any light to give to other people.
C: Oh, that's cute, though. Because that means I once did. But yeah. So like it was the light was pretty much off. And then I feel like it slowly crept back up a little bit during the later years of high school, but it was still right. pretty dim.
P: I would agree.
C: Yeah, I feel like Peyton's light was just always shining and bright.
P: For the most part, I really liked high school, I wouldn't go back now that I am where I am. Like, in the moment, I enjoyed it. Like I theoretically didn't really have any issues that to this day, like I'm a firm believer in, if it's not going to matter in five years, it shouldn't bother you now. So anything that bothered me back then must not have been big enough, because it doesn't stand out in my mind.
C: I think the thing that's funny for me is like when you'll
P: Cassidy remembers a lot, a lot, a lot of stories from when we were really, really little. And she was healthy. And I remember all of the stories from high school. So like all of the people, we went to school with everything that went down, like I have to fill her in, because not only was she sick, but she also like wasn't really present. So I'll be like, Oh yeah, do you remember when this happened? And she'll be like, I know, you told me about that. But like, no, and then I'll have to kind of like jog her memory on all of that.
C: I feel like my high school experience. Like, I feel like you lived your high school experience. And I feel like for me when I think of high school, it was like I was gonna say like, behind a screen watching from the outside in pretty much like a horror film sometimes for me just like, yeah, just like from the inside out. I was not there.
P: You weren't there. You were there.
C: I was, like you said earlier a shell of a person. And I feel like you don't think about it at the time. But how that has carried over like to me now, right? Like, I definitely have some positives from that. But like so many negatives of like, I am socially stunted, I feel from that. I am emotionally stunted. I have no emotional control or anything to deal with that. And just like I like high school and growing up is when you experience so many things in your life. And like those things and those mistakes that you make are what shape you and some of the decisions that you make later on in life. And I did not get to make those right. And it's just like,
P: right but I also feel like I'm for those of you that don't know more of a glass half full to Cassidy's half empty. So when she has all these negative things to say I'm a hit y'all with a hard dose of reality of she wouldn't be who she is today without this, like, have everything she has, she wouldn't have the friends she has besides me. Of course, she wouldn't have all of the amazing things she's done for like little kids across the country with Bills and camps and education and everything. Like that's all stuff that probably would not have gotten done without you and without you getting bit by a stubborn ass tick.
C: oh my gosh, I didn't even pay you to do this or say this about me. What? stop it!
You're welcome.
P; You're just the sweetest to me. But I mean, it goes without saying man High School. It's bitch. One last question. What is your favorite High School memory?
P: I think I have two. I was always like a super competitive person. So counties my senior year was super special for me because I feel like that was something we worked really hard for and it was like super rewarding and two would be graduation like that's something you look forward to for a long time. And I could not wait to start my life in South Carolina. And that was just like one step closer to getting me down here and doing what I actually wanted to do, which led to me like literally living out my dream today. So I think those those are my top two.
C: Okay, I would also go graduation because which we're gonna have to backtrack for a second and then we're gonna have to come back to this question, because that was when I was like, pretty much in remission. Like I was almost there, right so or our last half of our senior year of high school was when I got my first picc line. So I started off senior year doing pretty well. And then like, towards I want to say like October November of senior year went down a cliff felt like absolute garbage. And then it was that January when I like the following January was when I first got my very first picc line Pete the pic, and it was like that whole last semester of high school when I was like actually becoming a person.
P: Yeah.
And it was like that graduation. I remember calling you I think it was either the morning of or the day before graduation. So I was in the shower, and I'll always remember you by Hannah Montana came on, and I was crying. I don't cry. But I remember crying when that song came on. Because I think for me, I was kinda like this cause for me high school was hell. And I think I was crying because I was like, the hell is ending the hell is ending. And I actually like am going to be able to live my life a little bit. So graduation was definitely a big thing for me. And I actually wore a dress that day. I was yes, I had my picc line with me, we graduated. And that was like the ending of that era. Or so I thought.
P: Yep.
C: and I think that was definitely yes, my favorite memory as well from ending of high school. shit hit the fan A few months later, but
P: hitting the fan ever since.
C: you know what they say growing up. It's a
P: Bitch.
C: Well, thank you for listening to us ramble on about our lives. And what growing up is like for those of you like my best friend over here who live what we call a normal existence as normal as high school can be because Don't get me wrong. High School kind of sucks for everybody. At some point,
P: traumatizing f
C: It's traumatizing or everybody. Something's gonna go wrong. If you're also like me, you'll probably trip up the steps one day and have one random kid in the hallway. See you you don't speak to each other. You just make awkward eye contact. You both know what just happened, but we never speak of it again. You know who you are. And I appreciate you for never telling anybody even though I just did. But high school sucks for everybody. For those of us though, that do live the chronic illness life. I'm going to go ahead and say it sucks a lot worse, but you can make it out. Find your people find your people find your Payten that will sit with you on Saturday nights and watch Barbie movies and High School Musical and Endless Love, and all the things and find a body pillow like Fred to catch your tears and find us because you know we're here for you.
P: Facts.
C: Facts. shout out to my sister author Taylor Danae Colbert who gave us the name for this podcast. It Goes Without Saying also the name of her very first book which is about my Lyme journey kind of we love you TDC make sure you follow us on Instagram @IGWSpodcast. Shout out to Jesse Westreich for our theme song.
Thank you to my love my life, Payten Mae for talking about our lives.
P: Bestie Crew!
C: And we end every podcast with a song recommendations. So drumroll please. That was a terrible drum roll.
P: I didn't prepare you didn't tell me we were doing that. <laughter>
C: So the song that Payten and I are recommending is Fifteen by Miss Taylor Swift. What better song to think about the horrendous high school years. Then you sit in class next to redheaded Abigail and soon enough your best friends.
P: if you're lucky.
C: if you're lucky. So if you've never heard 15 Where have you been for the past 10 years and if you have go ahead give it a listen again jam out in your car cry like we do sometimes when we hear it and let us know what you think. We will be back next time with more It Goes Without Saying. Toodles
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